In response to a near tragedy in a small Cleveland suburb, Democrat leaders in Congress have finished a bill called "Jacob's Law", which they will send to the President tomorrow.
Jacob Smith (last name changed for privacy) was setting up the family Christmas Tree, when the tree toppled on him. Fortunately, his family was nearby and was able to extract him from underneath the tree.
Senator Edward Kennedy, Democrat, Massachusetts said, "Poor Jacob could have been killed by that Christmas Tree. It is incumbent upon the members of Congress to protect Jacob and all other children."
Senator John McCain, Republican, Arizona said, "I am disgusted by the lack of parental responsibility in Jacob's household, as well as households across the country. Parents need to take care of their children. Allowing an 11 year old child to handle a large tree is practically child endangerment. I'm calling upon the local police department to initiate a full investigation. I have also asked Congress to commit $14 million in federal grants to the local police department, so that they may complete their investigation."
The law, officially called the "Child Holiday Protection Act of 2006", but dubbed "Jacob's Law", would require that children under age 16 cannot set up Christmas Trees taller than 3.5 feet. The law also requires that these children cannot set up Hanukkah menorahs or Kwanzaa Kinara, unless the weight of the menorah/Kinara is less than 2 pounds, or the area in which it is being set up is lower than a child's waist. This provision stems from an incident in New York City in which David Berkowitz suffered a head injury, when the brass menorah he was setting up for his parents fell off the window sill, striking him near the left temple. The Kwanzaa kinara provision was inserted by Congressman Nibugo Gumbana, who said, "Children who celebrate Kwanzaa should be protected also."
There is a graduated table for those under 16:
Age---------Max Height of Tree ---------Max Weight of Menorah/Kinara
8----------- 6 inches---------------------8 ounces
9 ----------- 9 inches-------------------- 14 ounces
10---------- 1 foot----------------------- 1 pound
11---------- 1.5 feet----------------------1.5 pounds
12 ----------1.5944 feet -----------------1.6 pounds
13---------- 2 feet----------------------- 1.7 pounds
14 --------- 2.5 feet----------------------1.8 pounds
15---------- 2.9999999999999 feet ------1.99999999999999 pounds
16---------- No restriction ---------------- No restriction
The law allows for children younger than the above limits to set up a larger tree/kinara/menorah if : 1) The child is a member of a protected class -or- 2) The child's parents promise that he won't get hurt -or- 3) The child signs an affidavit stating that he/she can set up the tree without injury -or- 4) The parents fill out a DOJ form 4952/4953/4954 "Application for child to set up a [Christmas Tree/Hannukah Menorah/Kwanzaa Kinara]/ larger than the allowed limits stated in the Child Holiday Protection Act of 2006" and pay the required $465.00 fee.
President Bush is expected to sign the measure when it reaches his desk on Thursday. President Bush's spokesman Tony Snow said, "The President hopes to save children before this holiday season is over."
Penalties for parents who break the law range from a $2500 fine up to 12 years in jail, depending on the severity of the child's injury. In single parent households, the children would be turned over to the Department of Family Services. Senator Charles Wrangle said, "If just one child is turned over to Family Services, and gets a better life, then we've done our jobs."
Critics of the new law were not available for comment.
This has been satire.
