LOGIC (n.) from Greek 'logikos': 1. Anything posted on this blog. 2. Anything that drives a liberal crazy

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Jacob's Law

In response to a near tragedy in a small Cleveland suburb, Democrat leaders in Congress have finished a bill called "Jacob's Law", which they will send to the President tomorrow.

Jacob Smith (last name changed for privacy) was setting up the family Christmas Tree, when the tree toppled on him. Fortunately, his family was nearby and was able to extract him from underneath the tree.


Senator Edward Kennedy, Democrat, Massachusetts said, "Poor Jacob could have been killed by that Christmas Tree. It is incumbent upon the members of Congress to protect Jacob and all other children."

Senator John McCain, Republican, Arizona said, "I am disgusted by the lack of parental responsibility in Jacob's household, as well as households across the country. Parents need to take care of their children. Allowing an 11 year old child to handle a large tree is practically child endangerment. I'm calling upon the local police department to initiate a full investigation. I have also asked Congress to commit $14 million in federal grants to the local police department, so that they may complete their investigation."

The law, officially called the "Child Holiday Protection Act of 2006", but dubbed "Jacob's Law", would require that children under age 16 cannot set up Christmas Trees taller than 3.5 feet. The law also requires that these children cannot set up Hanukkah menorahs or Kwanzaa Kinara, unless the weight of the menorah/Kinara is less than 2 pounds, or the area in which it is being set up is lower than a child's waist. This provision stems from an incident in New York City in which David Berkowitz suffered a head injury, when the brass menorah he was setting up for his parents fell off the window sill, striking him near the left temple. The Kwanzaa kinara provision was inserted by Congressman Nibugo Gumbana, who said, "Children who celebrate Kwanzaa should be protected also."

There is a graduated table for those under 16:
Age---------Max Height of Tree ---------Max Weight of Menorah/Kinara
8----------- 6 inches---------------------8 ounces
9 ----------- 9 inches-------------------- 14 ounces
10---------- 1 foot----------------------- 1 pound
11---------- 1.5 feet----------------------1.5 pounds
12 ----------1.5944 feet -----------------1.6 pounds
13---------- 2 feet----------------------- 1.7 pounds
14 --------- 2.5 feet----------------------1.8 pounds
15---------- 2.9999999999999 feet ------1.99999999999999 pounds
16---------- No restriction ---------------- No restriction

The law allows for children younger than the above limits to set up a larger tree/kinara/menorah if : 1) The child is a member of a protected class -or- 2) The child's parents promise that he won't get hurt -or- 3) The child signs an affidavit stating that he/she can set up the tree without injury -or- 4) The parents fill out a DOJ form 4952/4953/4954 "Application for child to set up a [Christmas Tree/Hannukah Menorah/Kwanzaa Kinara]/ larger than the allowed limits stated in the Child Holiday Protection Act of 2006" and pay the required $465.00 fee.

President Bush is expected to sign the measure when it reaches his desk on Thursday. President Bush's spokesman Tony Snow said, "The President hopes to save children before this holiday season is over."

Penalties for parents who break the law range from a $2500 fine up to 12 years in jail, depending on the severity of the child's injury. In single parent households, the children would be turned over to the Department of Family Services. Senator Charles Wrangle said, "If just one child is turned over to Family Services, and gets a better life, then we've done our jobs."

Critics of the new law were not available for comment.


This has been satire.

11 Comments:

Blogger Scott said...

You forgot the part about new federal regulations on the decoration industry, to ensure that these dangerous products are regulated and inter-state sales and transport are closely monitored.

Then there's the criminal negligence suits against tree and light makers everywhere..

12:50 PM

 
Blogger debbie said...

for the record, Jacob was safely extracted from under the tree

THAT was TOO funny! I was trying to read it to Jacob, i was laughing so hard i was crying! LOL

1:51 PM

 
Blogger chaplain7904 said...

The Rev. Dean Kavouras, civil rights activist, and pastor of the poor child, heartily recommended that the President sign this bill as soon as possible. He cited that he was too busy this 'holiday season' to make any hospital calls, or do any funerals. He will testify before congress before the 2007 holiday season.

5:40 PM

 
Blogger Barb the Evil Genius said...

LOL!

7:26 PM

 
Blogger KrazyinBrooklyn said...

My husband the comedian

I'm so blessed in so many ways

9:46 PM

 
Blogger Marie N. said...

Too funny!

9:15 AM

 
Blogger Scott said...

BREAKING:
The "Trim-a-Home" company was named as the defendant in a class-action suit filed in Federal Court today as a result of the tragedy resulting when a huge seven foot artificial Christmas tree toppled over unprovoked, pinning a young Cleveland boy beneath its razor-sharp, needled branches.

"These so-called 'decorations' are a menace to our youth" said activist Jackie Jesson. "The poor boy was injured while trying to make his family home a happier place! There's no need for a simple home decoration to be equipped with sharpened darts on ever inch!" Jesson says the boy was physically and psychologically traumatised when the tree suddenly jumped on the boy, lodging one of its deadly branch weapons in the boy's ear. "He's lucky to be alive" said Jesson.

The boy's mother also seems to be a victim of the mishap. Family members report that she was so devastated that her mental condition went into emergency overload. She laughed hysterically throughout the day. Psychologist Asheed Muh`drawers says this is a typical "defense reaction" when the brain is confronted with overwhelming grief or shock.

The boy's older sister was asked about the incident. Her only response was "I, for one, welcome our Chinese overlords."

Developing.

10:20 AM

 
Blogger LuvGlock said...

Asheed Mah'drawers! LOL

11:27 AM

 
Blogger Rick said...

Great story and follow-up.

You forgot about the new regulation that all Christmas trees have a warning label affixed to them.

2:47 PM

 
Blogger Unknown said...

Hi,

That's nice blog related to Artificial Christmas trees, I like it.

Thank

12:18 PM

 
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2:44 AM

 

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